First write

Hello viewers, Luca writing today. This is the first day I have written on this blog. I will usually be writing on Thursdays and Sundays, and rarely on Saturday. Anyhow, I'll tell you about my every day life. Speaking of every day life, Mom just accidentally mailed a few Shutterfly pictures to our old house, it was a disaster.

P.S. Dad picked them up.

My Own Prairie Home

Tonight I listened with no small amount of sadness to Garrison Keillor's last live radio broadcast with A Prairie Home Companion. The show and its iconic host, with his characters of Guy Noir and The Cowboys, the Powdermilk Biscuit theme and the news from Lake Wobegon has been a part of my weekend routine for years, and have come to represent a portion of my childhood, one that now, with Keillor's departure, seems well and truly over.

This all sounds a bit strange considering that I'm a relatively new listener. I really only started tuning in after Luca was born, needing something to listen to while I nursed him and tried desperately to get him to sleep. I do remember my mother listening on occasion growing up, or making vague references to it, but I really started listening as an adult.

The thing is, all the things I grew up with are what I hear when I listen to Garrison and his strange meandering monologues. My Lake Wobegon was Roseville, Minnesota, where my mother was born and raised, and was filled with stories of Ms. Clackston, who dressed in purple right down to her tights and pearls, and her son Rodger, who my mom smacked in the mouth with a metal lunch box that got stuck in his braces. (She always ends that story with "And he went on to become a minister". I think she feels a little guilt to this day.) There was the story of my Grandmother, who hit a stranger's child over the head with a hymnal for talking in church, and how my mother saved my uncles from only time my Grandfather threated them with corporal punishment for shoving her off her bike.

My childhood was peppered by that strange wonderful Minnesotan dialect, courtesy of my Grandmother. "Hot dish" was served regularly. "Garage" had one syllable, "Battery" had two. Sentences started with "so" and ended with either "then" or "yeah, right, exactly..." The character of Duane's mom puts me in mind of a composite of both my mother and grandmother. And when my mom played a tape of my Grandfather talking to me as a toddler, it was in a nearly identical cadence to what I have heard coming from my radio every Saturday night.

I think that is what touches me most about this last Prairie Home. Listening to Prairie Home each week kept me in touch with the childhood I was rapidly losing. Both my Grandparents are gone now. My mother, gray hair and all, is a grandmother herself. But there was still a part of me that wasn't quite ready to accept the reality of being an adult, despite two kids, a husband and a mortgage. And Prairie Home spoke directly to that part of me. For the space of two short hours, my childhood was real again. I guess that's what his last show means to me. My childhood has faded to memories, and at last, at 31, I feel like an adult.

Goodbye Garrison, I will miss your voice on my radio each week. Thank you for helping usher me into adulthood.

April Feels

I'm feeling a bit emotional right now.

I just finished watching "Your Lie in April", an anime about a boy who stops playing piano after his mother dies and finds hope again upon meeting a girl who plays the violin.

I thought, "Wow, an anime about musicians inspiring one another. That should be good."

22 episodes later, and half of them with tears somewhere along the way, I couldn't have been more right. 5 stars on Netflix? Hell yes. Amazing show. It inspired me to play piano better, and it reminded me of a dear friend.

At the same time, I've been listening to this song from a video game, Valkyria Chronicles, called "A Loved Passed On" (the link is to a spoiler-free version). Short and bitter-sweet, it's sung at a funeral.

"And now, the love that you gave me, blooms and will live on..."

Both of these stories deal with death. But they also deal with the life that remains and how to move on, and remember those who came before us.

And that life comes, anew.

Like tomorrow. Tomorrow, of all days in April, is the best day. The day my little girl was born, one of the sparks in my heart that gives me life and love.

And we remember those who came before. Luca and Astrid Rose, you two are the hope for tomorrow, and the remembrances of those who came before you.



P.S. She's walking now!



P.P.S. Now that she can walk, she's pulling herself up to play piano with me! *double-feels*

Per Ardua, Ad Astrid

My favorite nick name for you right now is Dolly.

Your father wasn't especially keen on the name right away. "She isn't a doll!" he protested. But I promise that's not how I think of you. Already you assert your own independent, wonderful personality.

I love to call you Dolly because it was your great-grandmother's nickname for me. It was also the last thing she ever said to me.

Maybe when you're older I'll tell you how hard the year before you were born was for our family. Your foster sister left, we put our first family pet to sleep, destroyed the odd friendship or two along the way. And I lost both my Tutu and my Grammie.

I can't wait until you are old enough to tell you about the amazing women that came before you. Tutu was Hawaiian, worked at Pearl Harbor as a teenager, and got a degree in piano performance. She loved music, the same way your father loves music. She was always singing, always playing something, and always, always smiling. Her picture sits on our piano now. Your father put it there, one pianist's tribute to another.

Grammie was the survivor. She grew up an Iowa farm girl during the depression. She survived a tornado, breast cancer (twice), colon cancer, skin cancer, and a broken back. She survived everything but the Alzheimer's that ended her life just shy of her 91st birthday. Her picture sits on my desk, reminding me that I can make it through anything, just like she did.

Just before you were born I lost both these amazing women. But then I got you.


My Dolly. My Astrid.

I can already see parts of Grammie and Tutu in you. You love to talk, and have so many opinions, just like Grammie. And you love music just like Tutu, especially when Baba plays piano. And you are so strong! At just three months old you are bound and determined to sit up. I think you want to get big fast, to keep up with that crazy big brother of yours.

I hope when you page through our blog someday you don't feel slighted. I did write far more about him than I have thus far about you. It isn't that I was any less excited for your arrival. But with him, I had ten months at home to love and enjoy him. With you I had just over two months of maternity leave, and I wanted to spend every possible minute loving you. Who wants to blog when you have a baby to snuggle? That's why its only after a month back at work that I've managed to find the time to sit down and write. Even now you're laying right beside me, talking to me.

But before I leave to take you for a walk, to snuggle you, and talk to you some more, I just want you to know how special, how loved you are. Your brother may have created the family you were born into, but you, my dolly, completed it. You have an amazing life ahead of you, and like the women who came before you, you can do anything.

Goodbye, Little One

The last few weeks have been really hard for our family. We found out our foster child, who has been with us for a year and a half, would be suddenly transitioning back to the birth family, and last evening after dinner, we said goodbye.

All three of us were quite distraught after the child left, me especially. It's been so long - nearly every morning and evening I would help the child get ready for school and for bed. Getting dressed, bath time, reading books, singing songs. I just fell apart.

Surprisingly, Luca was quite consoling, even though he was quite sad, too. He said, we can still video chat, and maybe one day we can visit. I'm so proud of him when he consoles someone, it's very emotionally mature for a 5-year-old.

One bit of good news is that we have a good relationship with the birth family, and we hope to keep in touch. We'll definitely be writing letters and sending gifts. The child will always, always be a part of our family, and our love will continue.

I really want to thank everyone who has been supportive of us: our dear friends, Elspeth and Nick, Carla and Dan; my sister, Megan; my mom, Teresa; Kyra's coworkers, especially Sara and Mallory; and the foster child's preschool teachers, April and Michael. You've all helped us keep it together. Thank you.

Conerea

I played with Lego building blocks as a young boy, and I created a whole little world out of them. Luca has been building with Legos more often recently, so it got me thinking about my childhood Lego kingdom. Here is one of the few pictures I have of the kingdom:



I built the kingdom on top of a large piece of plywood on top of a smaller table underneath, and covered it with a sheet on which I colored in grass and water. I also had a shelf behind it where there was a town up in the mountains. There were several towers, including one large "rainbow" tower, partially seen in the picture in the back, just to the left. There were two main castles, two tower-like entrances, cannon ramparts, a boat, an airship (a flying boat with helicopter wings on the top mast - inspired by Final Fantasy), a dock, a tournament ground, a throne, and even a sword in a stone!

I had several odd parts received from my cousin. He had tired of his Legos, so his mom gave me a box full of parts. Included were two moon landscapes, with hills and craters, one of which is in the foreground of the picture. I decided they would be sand dunes. I received parts that are no longer made - like faucets, space ship parts, and blocks with old Lego space logos.

I based many of the people on video game characters, including many Final Fantasy games, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana, and other Super Nintendo and Game Boy games. Unfortunately, I had decided that I should be more creative and make more of my own characters (I did have a few), and I disassembled all the creative combinations I had come up with to imitate the game characters. By then, I was older and moving on to new activities, so I never returned to finish it.

The name of this place was also based on a video game location. In Final Fantasy (the first one), there is a kingdom named Coneria. It was actually mistranslated or misspelled, and it should have been Cornelia. In the game, Coneria seemed to be a central place where people would congregate. It was literally in the middle of the map of the world, and it appeared massive. It seemed like just the place to be, so I named my kingdom Conerea, changing the penultimate letter (as if that would mask where I got it!).

As I played in this kingdom, I developed many stories. There was a big war with two wizards who gradually hypnotized all the residents and turned them against each other. There is a entire mythology about the world and the spirits that inhabit it. In High School, I wrote a short story about a conflict between two countries set in this world.

Eventually, I want to clean up my old Legos and let Luca play with him, and I hope he has just as much fun and just as many imaginative stories as I did.

The Last Minority

I think it's about time I returned to the first political movement I got involved with: women's rights. Why? Women are what I call the "last minority", since within every minority (racial, homosexual, people with disabilities, even children), there are women. And if that minority is subject to discrimination, it's even worse for the women in that group, since there is general discrimination against women, and it's even more difficult to address.

Additionally, women's rights are under attack with even more vigor than before. Voting laws requiring identification disenfranchise the poor, homeless, people with disabilities, the elderly, and all of these classes include many women. Even more women than men in some of these classes, like the elderly.

Women are losing the right to make their own decisions about their own bodies and what happens to those bodies. It's even more insidious since it is forcing an often foreign moral point of view on them. While I'm completely in favor of doing what we can to reduce abortions through education and support systems, it's up to every woman to decide what is moral and what is not - these are subjective decisions without moral absolutes. Everyone has to decided what is right and wrong in these cases. And while you are entitled to your own opinion, you are not entitled to force it upon another person - as long as what they are doing does no harm to you or anyone else. And that last part is where it is far too subjective in the case of abortion, and every woman must decide, on their own: What is me, and what is not me?

Most importantly, we cannot effectively advance human goals with so many people suffering from a lack of basic needs and rights. Think of Maslow's hierarchy, but for the entire human species. Basic human needs, like food, and basic human rights, like bodily safety, would be toward the bottom. Any endeavor, like space exploration, would be closer to the top, and could arguably be more important for our survival as a species (like identifying asteroids that could impact Earth). Having at least half of our population (it's far more than half with basic physical needs not being met for so many) concerned with basic needs and rights detracts from any higher goal.

Lastly, one reason (of many) I want to have a girl as a second child is so I can help in some small way with these issues, by raising a woman who is aware of these issues and by enabling her to fight for her rights. Sure, I want to teach Luca to be aware and fight, too, but it's even more important for a woman to raise her voice in dissent. I want her to be confident, intelligent, and passionate. She will at least be able to stand up for herself if not for others as well. I want her to have a safe home to return to if she feels unsafe, to provide her a place to grow so she can figure out her place.

These seeds, if we plant them within men and women alike, will grow into fruit of change, and one day, maybe, we can say women have equal rights.

A Soap by Any Other Name

Kyra and I have this strange superstition. We know it's silly, but we're still adhering to it: We purchased a certain scent of soap, and in the following days or week (I can't remember how long), we were called about a foster care placement for a child with the same name as the scent of soap.

The child has been with us for a few months now, and we still don't know how long they will be with us. So every time we're about to run out of the soap, we think to ourselves, "Maybe if we run out the soap, [the child] will leave...!" Then during Kyra's biweekly grocery shopping, she picks up more just in time to maintain our supply, and the child stays with us a little longer.

I wonder how this will play itself out. Will we run out of soap and then the child will leave? Or will the child leave or stay regardless of our soap supply? In terms used by MythBusters (which we've been watching a lot lately), will our personal myth be busted or confirmed?

Of course, this is all very silly, but it embodies our hopes for the child to stay with us, or at least to keep in touch. We'll have to wait to see.

Haiku

A gentle morning,
Breezy, sunny, and beautiful.
Perfect for snoozing.

Values

Kyra and I have been going through the process to start foster care, and it requires extensive documentation of our lives and interviews about our childhood, personalities, and relationships. During this process, Kyra mentioned the fact that I have a diagram regarding my values.

I wrote this diagram a few months ago when Kyra was expressing some very low self-esteem. I thought it would help her understand how I feel about her by first explaining my values in general. Here is the first diagram:



In this diagram, the central tenet is one of Love. From there, all other values arise, including valuing Life as a rare and valuable phenomenon, nonviolence, collaboration, education, health, and supportive relationships. And more specifically, I wrote this diagram about Kyra:



I value Kyra for her kindness, wisdom, creativity, beauty, dedication, and integrity. She's a good cook, mother, wife, and teacher. She is loving, compassionate, gentle, intelligent, and honest. I love when she sings and when she dances. She's a good listener, and she has a great sense of humor.

May is Kyra appreciation month, with Mother's Day, our Anniversary, and her Birthday. Kyra, Luca and I love you dearly, and we wouldn't be the same without you. You make use whole. Happy Kyra Appreciation Month.

Late Winter 2012

The weather lately has been quite surprising: Snow; warm, summer-like weather; and now cold and rainy. Very strange. Today's a gloomy, inside-day. It's cold and dreary, and I'm looking back through our photos.

Just a few weeks ago, there was a lot of snow on the ground. We went skating (a first for me, I think, and Luca) with Carla and Dan:





Skating was quite frustrating for Luca, so we ended up going sledding toward the end, before the sun fully set:





I also found a photo of Luca and Oberon:



Unfortunately, this is the last photo we will have of Oberon in our home. Mars and Oberon had been getting along, up to a point. They had started play-fighting, and everyone who saw it said it was normal. It made me nervous, though. One day I noticed that Mars had some scabs, and I decided that we needed to de-claw Oberon to avoid further injury, so I set up an appointment at the vet for surgery. However, a week before the surgery, something terrible happened.

For those with a faint heart, please skip the section in the following section. Simply put, Oberon and Mars were play fighting and Oberon seriously injured Mars.

---

We woke up one morning and all of us were cuddling on the couch: me, Kyra, Luca, and Oberon. Just Mars was missing, and I called him over to join us. He jumped up on the couch, and Kyra reached over to pick him up. She gasped, "Oh my god" or something like that, upon seeing Mars' side: It was cut open with a 3-inch by 2-inch gash in his skin. I believe the epidermal layer had ripped open, probably from a scratch from Oberon.

We were horrified. I picked up Mars and put him down on the carpet to examine the wound. It looked clean, and it wasn't bleeding. Oddly, I didn't find any blood anywhere in the house. I bandaged the wound and isolated Mars in our bathroom to avoid any further injury. I tried to call the vet, but it was only about 7:00 AM, and they opened at 8:00. We thought about calling the emergency vet, but since he wasn't in a life-or-death circumstance, we decided to wait until the vet opened. Once they did, they scheduled an emergency surgery to stitch the wound.

Now recall how we adopted Mars: He was a stray cat found under a porch, probably dumped by someone who didn't want to take care of kittens. He had 3 or 4 diseases, and required quite a few medications and long isolation to clear up, before he could interact with our very young son, Luca. He continued to have skin problems, in which his skin would literally peel off in chunks. We discovered he simply had fragile skin, and de-clawed his back claws, an unusual procedure done to avoid self-injury.

So it was risky stitching Mars' wound: It was possible that the stitches would just pop out. In fact, that's what happened: Every day after the surgery, I had to take Mars to the vet to review the stitches. In the first day, he probably licked some of the stitches off, so we wrapped his torso in a very large bandage. Then the bandage came off somehow, and he opened a new, smaller wound by biting/licking or scrapping up against the wall. This new wound required surgical glue to hold it together so it would heal. He's been wearing a head cone since to avoid further self-injury.

---

With such a serious injury, we were worried that Mars would suffer from an infection or that the wound would not heal because of his fragile skin, and we would have to euthanize him. This was incredibly sad for all of us. At a few points during the next week, Kyra and I were so upset we broke into tears.

Given the situation, we decided that it was too much of a risk to keep Oberon with us. We just couldn't risk the possibility that they would be play-fighting and this would happen again. Our back-up plan was to have Kyra's mother, Linda, or her sister, Sabrina, take care of Oberon. We called and discussed it with all parties, and they decided that Sabrina and her girls would take Oberon.

The injury took place on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, and Kyra planned on taking Luca and Oberon up to the Twin Cities that same weekend. In the meantime, Mars was isolated in our bathroom and continued to be for a week or two. Kyra visited her family in Minnesota and Oberon fit right in with Sabrina's family, and I stayed home all weekend with Mars, tending his wound.

Here's Mars, isolated and sleeping in our bathroom:



I took this during the weekend I was home alone with him. It was very depressing faced with the possibility that I might have to euthanize him while my family was away. Kyra and Luca said goodbye before the left. It was heart-wrenching.

Fortunately, Mars has been healing, very slowly, with some minor incidents since. However, along with other, normal life stresses, the last few weeks have been very hard. But it's getting better. Mars is nearly fully healed, with a large scab and a small open wound. He doesn't have to be isolated or in a head cone all the time. Oberon appears to be fitting in well with his new family.

I would like to take a moment to thank our veterinarians at the Companion Animal Hospital in Madison, WI. Dr. Kay (rhymes with sky) has been incredibly patient, compassionate, and flexible, and Dr. Hospel has been very helpful in the aftermath. Aside from the surgery charge, we paid very little for all of the follow-up visits, and for that I am very thankful. Here's a more recent photo of our "little lion" as a thank you:

What is War?

Today, after a few days of hearing the overly-repeated news of bin Laden's death, I read the following in A People's History of the United States, by Howard Zinn:

I wonder now how the foreign policies of the United States would look if we wiped out the national boundaries, at least in our minds, and thought of all children everywhere as our own. Then we could never drop an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, or napalm on Vietnam, or wage war anywhere, because wars, especially in our time, are always wars against children, indeed our children.

Indeed, plenty of stories confirm this basic fact of war: among the dead, most are civilians, and among those, most are children. Here is an excerpt from an article written in 2001 regarding the war in Afghanistan:

The reporters saw clear evidence that many civilians had been killed in the attack, though they could not confirm the number of deaths. 'I ask America not to kill us,' pleaded Hussain Khan, who said he had lost four children in the raid.

Wars affect children more than any other type of person. I urge you: do what you can to stop war. Sign petitions. Vote for pacifists. Love your neighbor. "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Late Winter Events

During the last week, Wisconsin has been in the news for protests in reaction to Governor Walker's new bill that would strip unions of the right to collectively bargain for benefits, wages, and other rights (e.g., overtime, weekends, working conditions...). I attended the protest briefly on Friday, but unfortunately could not attend any other events because of an illness going through our family. (Kyra had the early stages of pneumonia again.) Here are some photos and video of the event (note: you may want to turn the sound off on the video - it has bad audio):

Wisconsin Politics


Protests at the Capitol

To those down at the capitol: Please cheer on the unions for me!

---

Grandpa Bill got us a nifty new video camera that allows for easy transfer and upload of videos. Here are two videos in which we capture some of our winter activities. First, a video of Luca playing a new game we got him to help him learn how to play games by taking turns and following directions and rules. Second, a video of Luca and I playing hide-and-seek, in which I trick him to think I'm hiding under a blanket. Heh heh heh...

Playing a Game with Luca


Hide-and-Seek with Luca

At school, and now at home since Kyra got out some dress-up clothes, Luca has been enjoying dressing up, in nothing other than dresses. It's another good inside activity during the winter months.



The first time I saw Luca at school in a dress, the teachers looked at me apprehensively, probably thinking I would be upset. Instead, I asked Luca if he wanted to dance since he was swaying back and forth to some music on the CD player. We danced for a few seconds, and then he wanted to take the dress off and go home.

I'm really not at all miffed by Luca wanting to wear dresses. I think it's sexist that guys can't wear dresses, but it's okay for women to wear jeans. Not that I would want to or would look good in a dress, but it's just unfair. I have a friend, Nat, who is brave enough to do so, and while it raised my eyebrows the first time I saw him wearing a skirt and heels (mostly because of the hairy legs - sorry Nat!), I really don't see why it's a problem. Who cares if he's wearing skirt? Let him and others like him do what they want. (By the way, as far as I can tell, Nat's straight, so it's not a "gay thing," and even if it were, it still wouldn't matter.)

I digress. This winter we also got to make one snowman. So far, at least. He's kind of sad looking, since we didn't really have the best packing snow.



One last video. Luca and I were bored one morning and decided to record some big words. Here's the list of words he said:

• Galaxy
• Nebula
• Gravity
• Molecule
• Universe
• Evolution
• Oscillate
• Rotate
• Planet
• Solar system
• Higgs boson
• Mercury
• Venus
• Earth
• Mars
• Saturn
• Jupiter
• Uranus
• Neptune
• Pluto, even though it's not a planet

Big Words by Luca

Reflections on a Long Week

What a week!

Last weekend, we heard some terrible news about my family, which I can't really discuss here. Let's just say it's probably one of the worst things to happen to my family. On top of that, Luca was sick with a fever. He was miserable all weekend, and didn't want to do much of anything. I think it was the first time I saw him sick and lacking motivation to do anything. Usually he's barely inhibited by illness - playing, eating, and having way too much energy - but not this time. He was really sick.

Then my birthday was Monday, and during the day, I received many positive birthday wishes, including two very touching notes from Marquis and Carla. For my memory, I will quote them here. First, Marquis wrote:

"Hi Chris! You have good cause for gladness and celebration today.

"As do I! Of all the things I've wanted for my daughter Kyra to have in this life... for her health, well-being and happiness... finding and having... a good husband has to be right at the top of the list. It's not often someone like you comes along... someone kind and loving, devoted and capable, intelligent and personable. She found exactly that in you Chris, and more... I could want for no better husband for Kyra, or better father for Luca, nor better son-in-law than you. You make a huge difference in a lot of lives. Thanks for being my son-in-law.

"Happy birthday Chris! Have a good one!"

Carla wrote:

"Happy Birthday, Chris :-) I hope you have a good day - as good as possible despite circumstances. Just remember that you are amazing. Everything I said on the phone is true - you're a terrific father, husband, and friend. I can't imagine my life without you. All my love, Carla ♥"

Thank you both for such kind words. And thank you to everyone else who wished me a good day - I appreciate the kind thoughts.

That night, however, I started to get sick, too. Tuesday and Wednesday I attended training for work, so I was quite miserable and quite bored. In the latter regard, I was fortunate that Kyra gave me a Kindle (an e-book reader, for those of  you who have never heard of it) for my birthday, so I was entertained (as much as I could during training) with the new device. (I was especially interested in its capabilities, including browsing the internet and reading multiple file formats.) Friday, Kyra had to leave work early with the "stomach flu" that's been going around at school, and she was miserable all day.

By Saturday, Kyra was much better, but I was worn out from the long week. I woke up with Luca, but she got up soon after and took over. I curled up on the couch, and she made me go to bed. After an afternoon nap, I was feeling decent enough to spend some time with friends - but not for long.

Now we're all starting to recover our health. We finally got our Christmas tree up and decorated, so it's starting to look like the holidays here (not to mention the blizzard we had), if not exactly feel like the holidays. But with the dark gloom of the unmentionable event and a glum attitude from being ill, it's hard to see through to the light of sharing with family and friends. I can only hope the next few weeks will be calm, without event.

Normal is Overrated

There have been times when I find myself involved in a discussion which completely confounds me. Then again I have a tendency to assume that those around me hold the same general beliefs that I do. This particular conversation began with some gentle teasing over politics and the recent elections. One of my coworkers, a very sweet lady, professed to being a strong republican supporter. Just to be clear, I am a strong democrat, always have been, always will be, but I am readily able to separate political from personal. However I jokingly mentioned a conversation Chris and I had long before Luca was born, in which we both concluded it would be easier to handle Luca being gay than republican. I was then somewhat confused to hear my other coworkers go on to explain how "sad" they would be if their children were gay.

I wasn't quite sure how to interpret the "sad" remark. What exactly would there be to be sad about? At least for one of my coworkers, I believe her concern was the difficulties a gay child would face growing up: the teasing, ostracizing etc. Every parent wants their child to have a happy childhood, and the recent spate of gay teen suicides has highlighted how difficult life can be growing up gay. I can understand a parent not wanting their child to ever feel that different and alone.

But I think this sentiment is misguided. It leads to parents urging their children to be "normal" so that they will be readily accepted by society at large. What happens, then, when a child does not conform to the parent's or community's idea of "normal"? Many times the child begins to fear, hate, and hide their differences because, as they have been told by mom and dad, they won't be accepted if they aren't what everyone else is. And this leads to exactly the feelings the well meaning parent hoped to avoid.

I hope to teach Luca exactly what my mother taught me, that "normal is just a setting on the dryer". I think if Luca walked through the door one day and announced he was gay I would greet the statement with much the same sentiment as if he announced he wanted to dye his hair green. "OK, that's nice dear, just don't leave a mess in the bathroom".

Of course, Chris and have always had our own ideas of who we want Luca to be. We imagine him growing into a concert pianist, a dancer, or an astrophysicist. But those are the things we value. I am amazed and elated each day as Luca begins to show me the things he values: his tool bench and his toy kitchen, his dolls and his trucks, swimming lessons and reading books. As much as I have dreams for him, I want to share his dreams, no matter what they are.

More than anything, I want him to know that he will always, always, be loved and accepted my his parents. There may be times when he feels different than everyone else, but that's OK. Because, to me, there will only ever be one Luca.

(PS. I found this interesting post about a mother who allowed her son to dress as Daphne for Halloween. He was then ridiculed, not by his classmates, but by their mothers. Worth a read.)

My Virtual Soapbox

My friend has started selling shirts at Cafe Press. The inscription reads "My Health Care Plan: Marry Canadian."



I thinks its pretty darn funny. And appropriate. I know many people that are too sick or too poor and rely on Medicaid for their health care. I know people who don't qualify for Medicaid but have to make a choice between food, mortgage, and health care (gee, I wonder what they choose?).

My youngest niece was born two months early with a heart defect. She spent two months in the NICU. Thankfully, Medicaid covered what my sister's low hourly wage couldn't. But my mother had to quit her job to take care of her. My sister couldn't quit her job, because she carries the health insurance. So essentially my mother - mid 50's, breast cancer survivor - goes without health care or the guarantee of a secure retirement so my niece can see the cardiologists and neonatalogists that keep her alive. This isn't a choice that my family members, or anyone, should have to make. And if the Minnesota governor, in his infinite wisdom, decides to discontinue the Medicaid program that provides most of my niece's care, what then?

All I can hope is that meaningful health care reform is passed next year. The fate of so many people I love depend on it. I hope that forward sightedness and compassion can overcome greed and fear and division. The caption at the top of my friend's site reads "Don't count on Congress to reform your health care options. This is the only good health care plan for Americans." He's always been kind of a pessimist when it comes to the positive abilities of government. I hope for my niece's sake he's wrong.

Health, and Health Care is a right, not a privilege. Virtual Soapbox Over.

A Framework for Love

Preface: I have thought about this topic for most of my life. I intended to write this entry and finish it before the wedding, but it is such a complex topic and difficult to describe in words that it has taken me a couple of months to arrive at this point. Here I have attempted to describe my views on love, although I am sure that my views will change with time.

My views on love are not like the typical views of love. Unlike most people, I do not believe love is quantifiable. To me, love is an emotion, and like many emotions, cannot be measured except by its expression in action. Thus, saying "I love you very much," while expressing a common feeling, is illogical. (So to are the statements "I love you more than yesterday" and "I love you more than he does." Those who say such things are either relying on cliches to express an ineffable facet of love or are not aware of or do not experience all of the aspects of love.) A person may engage in more acts of love for one person than another, but that does not mean the magnitude of the love expressed is greater than any other love.

Love may differ by its expression (e.g., infatuation) or quality (e.g., passionate) or type (e.g., familial), which is to say that love is multi-faceted. Familial love is expressed with affection and unrestrained loyalty. Romantic love is expressed with passion and excess outpouring of emotion. Friendly love is expressed with interest and temperance.

In psychology, a similar notion is stated in Sternberg's theory of love, which claims that there are three major components of love: intimacy, commitment, and passion. With these three aspects, various combinations can occur. Most marriages, the theory claims, begin with passion, intimacy, and commitment, and usually transition into a more "friendly" love, losing passion as time passes. Love with only intimacy and passion is like a high-school romance or a brief tryst. These dynamics change over time, and one form of love can turn out to be another later on.

This theory, however, focuses on only certain types of love and does not provide a complete picture. For example, what about love for animals? Or love for music? Or love for nature? Or love for abstract conceptions, such as liberty or freedom? For these types of love, the theory is unable to adequately provide a framework for understanding.

An additional aspect for love for or between humans is our society. Love is defined and restrained or liberated by social relationships. Expressions of love for a family member are limited by our societal norms for behavior toward family. We would not engage in the same type of expressions of love for family as we would for a lover. Similarly, we typically do not engage in the same type of expressions of love for a friend as we would a lover, either. These limitations may feel natural, but they are in fact altered by societal expectations.

At its core, however, all love is the same. This is key to my understanding of love, especially unconditional love and "true" love (in my definition, love for all things). When I first told Kyra that I love her, I told her my view on love and expressed it to her in terms of friendship. Eventually, our love developed into a different type of love, mediated by social changes. Now our love is passionate, intimate, and committed (and we will work hard to keep and enhance all three!). I love her now the same way I loved her then, even though my expressions of love have changed.

We share a broader love as well: a love for our child, our family and friends, our community. As Robin Abrahams noted, love is not just romantic love, and the broader meaning of love should be celebrated as well. It is a goal. The survival of our species depends on accepting our differences and learning to coexist. Love is the means to this end.

On Fatherhood

Sunday was Father's Day. Here are some of my thoughts while reflecting on what it means to be a father:

• Acceptance: Accepting children for who they are at the stage in life they are in. An excellent example in recent news showed how a mother and father accepted their daughter's sexual orientation (see article).
  
• Unconditional Love: Similar to Acceptance, Unconditional Love means that no matter what children do, love them. If they flush your favorite watch down the toilet, love them. If they crash your car, love them. If they turn out to be a political nut job, love them. Of course, that doesn't mean go easy on them...
  
• Setting Rules and Sticking to Them: If a child breaks a rule, stick to it. Deliver the punishment quickly and at an appropriate level from the start, explain what they did wrong, show them what they can do instead, and above all be compassionate and recognize that you probably did this stuff too (see this page for more guidance).
  
• Virtuous Pride and Other Rewards: Parents should also reward children for good behavior. The best types of rewards are those that are intangible, like being proud of your child and telling them so. Of course, to be virtuous pride, a parent should still maintain humility and realistic expectations.
  
• Understanding Limits and Boundaries: Pride can often lead to unrealistic expectations of children and a distorted view of who they are and what they are capable of. Maintaining realistic expectations and being flexible are also important aspects of parenting. And children have and need privacy, too.
  
• Consistency in Parenting: As noted above, sticking to punishments and rewards is best, and both parents need to follow through appropriately. That means communicating with the spouse before a behavior has occurred and agreeing on a punishment or reward.
  
• Sharing Time and Other Things: Spending time with children is one of the best parts about parenting and probably the most important factor influencing children's future. Parental behavior sets a model for children's behavior. They learn morality, ethics, courtesy and manners, language, and so many other behaviors and skills while spending time with their parents. Sharing personal beliefs helps them come to terms with the world and understand their own beliefs.
  

Some of these attributes are no different for being a mother, or for being a spouse, or for being in any type of relationship. And these are just some of my thoughts. I'll be sure to jot down more as I think of more or shape those I have now. (Others' views are appreciated - please leave comments!)

For some reason, I'm reminded of a quote I saw on my sixth grade teacher's truck: "Some of the Best Things in Life Aren't Things." (Thanks Mr. Cary!)

-----

Some good things to know about punishment and reinforcement:

• Punishment is not always spanking. Punishment is either "positive" or "negative," and these terms relate to whether something is "given" or "removed." Positive punishment is doing something to the one being punished, like spanking. Negative punishment is removing something positive from the one being punished, like grounding or time-outs (taking away privileges). One effective punishment is to say, "I'm disappointed with your behavior." In my experience, this punishment is very strong and should only be used in extreme circumstances.
• Reinforcement is not always giving a prize. Positive reinforcement gives something to the one being rewarded, like candy or a gift. Negative reinforcement removes something aversive from the one being rewarded, like rewarding a child by removing chores (e.g., "if you do this, you don't have to do dishes tonight"). Some of the most effective reinforcers are intangible, like pride.
• One of the most common misunderstandings about reinforcement and punishment is that negative reinforcement is synonymous with punishment. It is not. Negative reinforcement is removing an undesirable stimulus to increase the occurrence of a behavior.

Topic Series

I (Chris) will be writing in this journal about various topics. I started writing about common logical flaws in science in two previous entries (the correlation = causation fallacy), and I will continue that series with entries labeled "Science + Pseudoscience." I would like to expand that series to include my experience in educational research and other science topics.

Additionally, I am going to start writing about "frameworks." Frameworks, to me, are sets of ideas or theories for viewing the world or making changes in the world. Every so often I come up with an idea that I would like to write about in this series, and I have been jotting them down for a few years. At first, I was going to write an entirely different journal about it, but I concluded I didn't have enough content for a separate journal.

So, I will start writing about these series here in between entries about the wedding, the pregnancy, and our life in general. If you are not interested in reading about these series, feel free to skip them. I think I will preface the series with a particular title, like "Frameworks for..." At any rate, I would like to read your ideas about them too, so feel free to provide comments if you are interested.