Counting by Tens to 1 Million

Edit: I originally posted the RANGE function going to 1000000. Python does not include the last number (e.g., from 1 to 5 goes up to 4). The functions have been updated to use 1000001.

The other day, Astrid said she could count to 1 million by tens. She started off and got to 100, but then skipped up to 200. When she got to 1,000, she started going by thousands. Then she needed help. I told her she wasn't counting by tens any more, and that it would take a really long time to get to 1 million counting by tens.

Today, Astrid and I sat down and wrote a program in Python to count to 1 million by tens. Here was the first version of the program:

for i in range(0, 1000001, 10):
  print(str(i))

This program sets up a variable named 'i' and executes a loop for every value between 0 (first argument to RANGE()) and 1000001 (second argument, which is not included, so we have to go past our target) by 10 (third argument). Then it prints the number after converting it to characters (STR() function), like the text you're reading now.

Python was so fast that the numbers just rushed by in a blur on the screen. It didn't give us a good sense of the size of this task. For our next attempt, we decided to write it to a file. Here's the new program:

with open('numbers.txt', 'w') as f:
  for i in range(0, 1000001, 10):
    f.write(str(i) + '\n')

This program sets up a file first, named numbers.txt, with write ('w') access, and names it 'f'. Then it repeats the same process as in the first program, but instead of printing the number, it writes it to the file (f.write() function / method). So that the file is readable, we have to append (+) a line ending ('\n', what is inserted when you hit ENTER on a keyboard).

Below is a sample of the output.

# Output:
0
10
20
30
40
50
60
70
80
90
...
999900
999910
999920
999930
999940
999950
999960
999970
999980
999990
1000000

Finally, we wanted to get an estimate of how long this would take to read. At first, we just opened the file and scrolled through it. However, it was so big that the scroll bar on the right of the text editor program barely moved! So then we thought maybe we'd see how many pages it would be if we printed it.

That's where the computer started to have trouble! It said it was working on the print preview for a while. I opened the task manager and showed Astrid the "workers" - CPUs - on the computer (4), and how the chart showed a lot of work was going on when the line was drawn toward the top. It appeared like the CPUs were "getting tired" and telling another CPU to help out, one at a time. Kind of strange!

We also looked at the computer's "work table" - RAM - and how if the line was toward the top, it was taking up a lot of room to do the work. Working on the print preview did not take up any space on the work table, though, so it was flat at the bottom.

After waiting for a bit, we decided that this seemed like too much work to ask the computer, so we cancelled the print preview. I guessed that the number of pages would be like a thick book. At that point, Astrid was losing interest, so we concluded our little counting / programming play.

As I'm writing this post, I ran the print preview on a more powerful computer and got an estimate of the number of pages. 1,563!!!

P.S. I was running Python 3 on Ubuntu 20.04 GNU/Linux with the GNOME desktop.

Violet Evergarden

Luca and I have been having a "guys night", where just him and I spend time together. Usually we play Minecraft, watch a show, play a board / card game, go out for a treat, or something like that.

For a few weeks, we've been watching Violet Evergarden, an anime about a young woman who has difficulty with emotions, both expressing and identifying. While not explicitly autistic, she does have autistic attributes, like the difficulty with emotions. So I think her struggles resonant with Luca, and it provided a good opportunity to talk about these issues while providing experience of another person with the same difficulties.

The show also provided him an opportunity to see me get emotional - many of the episodes are tear-jerkers for various reasons. At times, I noticed him looking at me to see what I was expressing. Usually young children do this to understand and model emotions, and Luca is just doing this now.

One of those moments was in the special episode ("episode 14"), where Violet is asked to write a love letter for an opera. The lyrics are very touching and remind me of people I've lost, to death and other circumstances, including our foster child. I think I might print out some of the lyrics and post it on our memorial wall. I couldn't find them online, so I thought I'd post them here. (If you haven't seen the show, I highly recommend it.)

Letter from Marietta to Modesto

Just listening quietly,
To the wind in the sky,
Together.
[But] you're no longer here with me.

But the words I've written,
Over and over,
Have flown as if they were feathers
And disappeared.

Love is always
In a sunshine-filled place
Even if I can't see you,
Can't touch you,
It's like you're by my side.

[woodwind solo]

Just softly speaking,
[The] trees in the forest
[In] the rain,
As if to cheer me up.

Walking upon
The yet damp
Ground,
A road to be.

Love is always
Like looking through clear water.
Go to accept it,
And it leaves,
Just like you.

[instrumental]

Love is always
In a sunshine-filled place.
Even if I can't see you,
Can't touch you,
It's like you're by my side.

We remember those who have left us, and cherish their memories. They are a part of us, and made us who we are.

Monarch Morning

Saturday morning, Nana called me a little panicked. The hospice where she had been working as a gardener had instructed her to pull out all the milkweed in the gardens, as "it wasn't part of their gardening plan". (This, despite the fact that monarch butterfly habitats are already under siege on all sides) She was doing as instructed, when she found two plants, one with eggs and one with a live caterpillar on it. "I just couldn't throw him on the pile," she told me, "he deserves a chance to live." So she saved the plants, and at nine AM rushed over to my house to find a spot to plant them. The kids were elated that we were being given charge of new creatures, and I quickly googled "how to care for monarch caterpillars indoors". (Seriously, what did people do before the internet??) Mom arrived, and Luca carefully scoured the plant for any eggs, removing nasty aphids and spiders in the process. Sadly, the big caterpillar mom found that prompted all this had fallen off somewhere in transit. But we did find two new hatchlings (later named Lucky and Tiny), and we transferred to mom's mesh cat carrier. Then, as mom was literally walking over to pick up the plants for transplant, a monarch lands on the milkweed and starts laying eggs! Luca then once again went back to scour the plants for more eggs, and found at least two that the monarch had laid.

As a preschool teacher, I couldn't think of a better lesson illustrating how humans are screwing up, what we can do to fix it, and the general beauty of nature. What a magical monarch morning!

Luca and Astrid checking on Lucky and Tiny

Tiny (above), and Lucky (below)

Cat carrier/butterfly habitat!

Christening

We were in the car on the way to lunch talking about spelling. We started spelling names when we realized Luca didn't know how to spell his middle name. Granted, there isn't really a need for him to write it much, although he hears it often enough (I almost always refer to him by his full name, Luca Theodore). But typical of a seven year old, he hated the fact he didn't know something, so rather than try to learn the spelling, he decided to reject the name outright.

"Why did you name me Theodore?! I don't like it!"

"Hey!" I replied, "I wanted your first name to be Theodore."

"Mom, you wanted to name me after a chipmunk?"

Chris snickered. "I'm glad you recognize that, Luca." He wasn't a huge fan of the name either. It was more of a concession to me, really.

Luca went silent for a minute, then out of the blue said, "Mom, you should have named me 'Calvin Alvin'."

"Why? Do you like those names?"

"Well, its just a little bit of me is Calvin, and a little bit of me is Alvin."

I started to laugh immediately, but it took Chris a minute to get it. "Oh, you mean your personality is a little bit Calvin, and a little bit Alvin?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean."

"Why do you say that, Luca?"

"Well, Alvin gets yelled at a lot, and Calvin has some really dumb ideas."

There are moments when children can have great insights. Really, really funny insights.

The Harder Battle

For my 28th birthday I got a tattoo. On the inside of my arm is a quote from Plato: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." It is these words that I am trying to find solace in as I embark on a new phase in my life.

In February I will be quiting my job. The decision to do so was one of the hardest I have ever made. I am working at the best center I have ever worked at. My coworkers are amazing, dedicated, supportive educators. My kids make me laugh and smile daily. Leaving isn't about them, or my job. Its about me, and it makes it just that much harder.

The reality is that I am struggling, and have been for a long time. I had post-partum depression with Luca, not surprising since I already have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I figured I would with Astrid. What I wasn't expecting was the severity of it, the loneliness, the pain. Many of my days were spent feeling like I was drowning, struggling to breath. Now I pride myself on not letting my personal life interfere with my work, and I worked hard to maintain a facade of normalcy. In fact, one of my co-workers remarked one day as I picked up Astrid, "Astrid, your mommy's never in a bad mood". So apparently it worked. But it only made my depression worse, more isolating. I had no one I could talk to, and keeping up appearances was both physically and mentally exhausting.

On my days at home I felt like a walking ghost. I was paralyzed. I hardly talked, I wasn't interested in anything, overwhelmed by everything. And there was fear, and guilt. Everything was wrong, everything was my fault. Luca was acting up, it had to be because of me. Astrid wouldn't eat or sleep, it was because I was doing something wrong. Chris was upset, it was something I had done. Hopeless and Endless and Painful. A constant, dull, nagging pain I just couldn't shake.

Finally, after my mom had left with Luca to spend winter break together, I broke down to Chris. I couldn't keep doing this. It had to end. It was me or the depression, the two couldn't exist together anymore. I wanted the pain to stop.

But I didn't see an easy way out. I was struggling, I knew that. Life, with ten hour work days, two kids, and all the daily hassles that life throws in, was too much for me (although just admitting that to myself was the first battle). But there wasn't anything to do about it. Except give up something. And, unwilling to give up on family or life, work was the only thing left.

I can't help but feel like something of a failure. The darker part of my brain keeps saying, "But look, everyone else has it together. You see parents every day who can handle work, kids, and family etc. Why can't you?" But the choice I find myself faced with is that I can either continue to "power through", tell myself I can do it, that someday it will get better, or I can admit that this is where I am at and do my best to get better. I don't know what better looks like right now, or how to get there, but I can't keep going on the way I have. I have to try something else, for Chris, for Luca and Astrid, for me.

I'm scared as hell. I've never done anything like this. To quit, walk away from something isn't who I am. Stubborn as I am, I don't just give up. But I hope that, in the end, giving up isn't what I'm doing. I hope its recovering.

One Year Hence

It's been about 1 year since our foster child left our home, returning to the birth family.

I still think about the child every day. I have a picture on my desk. I think of the laughter, the smiles, the hugs. And how the child just fit in with our family so well.

We've lost touch with the family. Phone, address, and email do not work. I asked around for updated contact information, but no one had any.

There's a hole in my heart. I have to avoid thinking about it to stay calm. (This is hard to write.)

We're due with our second child next month, in April. I'm looking forward to seeing our new child. I'm certain I will adore our baby daughter.

There will always be a place in my heart for our foster child, and nothing else can fill it.

If you ever read this: I hope you're okay. Someday, I hope to see you again. And remember, I love you, and I will always be your Baba.

Praise for Luca

Luca received his first report card today. He excels at knowing letters and their sounds, as well as counting forward and backward, counting objects, and reading, writing, comparing, and ordering numbers. Otherwise, he is proficient in all other skills.

Luca's teachers wrote two touching notes about him. In the section titled, "Child as a Learner and School Community Member", his teacher wrote, "Luca is a friendly and helpful student. He is a joy to have in class." In visual arts, his teacher wrote, "Luca is a pleasure to have in class! He is hard working, articulate, creative, and is also very helpful to his peers. Thank you Luca!"

We were reading his report card to him, and when I read the first note, I teared up. I'm so proud of my little boy!

Now We Are Are Six

Amazing to think that Luca turned six yesterday, and to contemplate the unique and interesting person he has become. I know so many parents who constantly say they want their kids to "stay little" forever, but I really can't understand. Sure, babies and toddlers are cute and all, but I love when Luca comes home and tells me in detail about his days at school. I love that he is already super excited about becoming a reader, so much so that he went through one of his storybooks highlighting every "the" he found. I love being able to play card games with him, just like we used to do on quiet evenings with my family growing up. These past six years have brought so many joys and surprises, and can't wait to see who he grows into in the next six.

So, in honor of Luca's sixth birthday, here is an A.A. Milne poem I have been waiting to use literally for years.

Now We Are Six


When I was one, I had just begun.



When I was two, I was nearly new.



When I was three, I was hardly me.



When I was four, I was not much more.



When I was five, I was just alive.



But now I am six, and I'm clever as clever,



I hope I stay six now,



Forever and Ever.

Loving you now, for another six years, and a lifetime beyond,

Mom

Kudos

In the recent Foster Forum newsletter for foster parents in our county, the following was written about us:

Kudos to Kyra and Chris ... for providing a loving and stable home for your foster [child] for the last year and a half. The time and energy you put into maintaining a relationship with [the birth parent] was a great asset in the reunification process and helped make the child's transition home successful. Thank you!

You're welcome!

Summer of 2013

Wow, it's been a while since we've posted anything. We've been so busy this summer! What have we been doing?

• Chris completed an online course about machine learning.
• We grilled out in our back yard a lot. At one such party, we played a baseball game with Luca, and I think everyone would agree it was a blast. We're so happy to have our own yard!
• Kyra and Luca took a couple of trips to Minnesota to visit Kyra's Grandma ("Grammy").
• My brother, Kenny, and his wife, Joana, announced they are pregnant!
• We had a trip to Door County. We stayed in a cabin, went to lots of restaurants, hiked a bit, played cards, and all sorts of other things. Our friend Nick set up a treasure hunt for Luca one morning, including a treasure map and all!
• Our marriage turned 5! Kyra got a little older, too... : ) So did our foster child. Parties all around!

• Luca took a trip with friends to see Thomas the Tank Engine. He had a lot of fun, and it was his first weekend on a trip without parents or extended family!
• Luca took T-Ball lessons. He's still taking swimming lessons, too.
• Kyra and Chris, along with one of Kyra's coworkers, went to see Delta Rae live in downtown Madison. It was a great concert!
• Chris's cousin Matt got married, and Luca is still talking about it. It was held at a barn converted into an event hall, and Luca had a lot of fun running around with Chris's young cousins.
• Kyra and Chris went to a Mallards game with Kyra's coworkers. We played cards and we're not sure who won the baseball game.

At some point about here, a couple of our friends saved a family from drowning! They heard some thrashing in the pool and realized someone was in trouble. Chanel dove in and pulled out a couple of kids, then realized the father was still in the pool, and pulled him out too. They did CPR until the ambulance arrived. It was amazing!

• Luca attended a birthday party at a pet store. It was fun seeing all the different animals and how excited all the kids were about it. The guide got a gecko out and let it crawl on the kids, including Luca. He wouldn't let the snake near him, though.
• Kyra initiated the "Geeky Cooking Night", where we made all sorts of geeky food, like zombie leg meat (turkey actually), Star Trek tribbles (very tasty), and 1-up mushrooms.
• Marquis, Kyra's dad, got older by some unknown amount, and had a dance party. It was a lot of fun, even with the kids in tow. Luca and Kyra danced for a bit, as well as Chris and Kyra.

• We attended a corn boil for our CSA farm (community supported agriculture). The owners have kids near our age, and it's amazing to see them grow along with our own.
• Luca had another night without parents, when he took a trip to the Twin Cities with Nana. Kyra joined the next day. They had a birthday party and saw Grammy again.
• Kenny and Joana had a baby shower. Unfortunately, one of us was sick that day, so we couldn't make it, but we took them out to dinner a week later.
• We started to do some house fixing projects, including the driveway, plumbing, and insulation. Hopefully we'll be done before we have to turn the heat on full blast!
• Kyra started a training course for foster care that we have to take within 2 years of starting foster care.

Recently, Kyra and Chris had a day off to themselves, no kids! We went out for a leisurely breakfast, went for a walk at Olbrich, and had a late lunch followed by specialty chocolate. It was a glorious day. The first symphony of the season followed two days later. It was a very nice weekend.

What's coming up?

• Luca's birthday is coming up! We're going to have a swim party, so we'll have to figure out something else for all the adults in his life. We'll let everyone know.
• Kenny and Joana are due with their baby anytime now! Looks like another October birthday!
• We have a ton of birthday parties in October... Not sure if we can make it to all of them!
• It's been almost a year since we started foster care.
• We have a Halloween party planned with a formal theme, but in any state of repair. Kyra's going as a zombie, and Chris will be a silent film villain (cape, mustache, and all!).
• Kyra's already planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas meals, with turkey and goose for each, respectively. That should be interesting!

Wow, it's been busy, and it looks like it will slow down a bit.

Stay tuned for photos from all these events!

Update in the New Year

Wow, it's been a while since we posted last. A lot has happened since October!

For those of you close to us, you know that the new child in our care has been a great little kid. Other than getting sick a few times, and one time very seriously, it's been very smooth. The child sleeps better than Luca, which is especially surprising given the age! Most of the drama has been about the child rather than from the child.

We had a very good Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. For Halloween, we had a pumpkin carving party with our friends the weekend before. On the day of, we had a little white bear winter coat for the new kid, Luca wore his Abiyoyo outfit, and we walked around our neighborhood for the first time as a family. This was a happy occasion, not only because we had a new child with us, but because we feel safe enough to walk around at night in our neighborhood.

I completed a multi-week foster care training course between October and December. Kyra and I celebrated our date-iversary in November, and Luca continued his swim lessons. Thanksgiving was upon us before we realized it, and we made lots of food with our friends and family, using a lot of food from our winter CSA share from Crossroads Community Farm (Thank you Mike, Cassie, Zea, and Edie!). I missed the fireplace at our condo, but it was still a warm and joyous holiday.

In December, the integer describing my age increased by 1, and Kyra and I attended a work holiday parties. Then there was Snowmaggedon 2012: We were all stuck inside for a few days, and nearly lost power due to tree branches hanging on our power line. I ended up playing basketball on the tree to knock the snow off of it, and we shoveled 2-3 times just in one day. Luca's holiday party at school was unfortunately cancelled, so we didn't get to see him (not) sing a Christmas tune.

Christmas was at our new home again, but this time we had a different menu. For Christmas Eve, we had some of our friends and family over for presents, along with dinner, with turkey stuffed squash from our CSA (the squash, not the turkey). On Christmas Day, we had friends and family over again for brunch and more presents. At the same time, the new kid was very sick, so it was a mixture of fun and stress that I hope never repeats ever again. The only saving grace was that I didn't have to take a lot of extra time off for the illness.

We attended my mom's side's Christmas party out at Uncle Doug's and Aunt Connie's farm, and it was a lot of fun. Everyone got a kick out of seeing the new child, and like Thanksgiving, we all ate way too much. New Year's was similar to Christmas but much more low key and less stressful, with no one being terribly sick. We got to catch up on much-needed sleep.

All in all, it was a good holiday season, aside from the illness, and we all had fun and received nice presents. But the best present was spending time with our friends and family, and that meant a lot to all of us. We hope everyone else had a great holiday season, and we wish you a happy new year!

Luca's Political Thoughts

Luca's become quite the avid NPR listener.  This can be disadvantageous when they are discussing certain topics at length, say, Syria, and we have had to have a talk about how "we don't need to repeat everything we hear on the news".  A lot of times if it gets troublesome in the car I switch it off, but I refuse to start my morning  without at least an inkling of what's going on in the world.  The upside of this is I have a incredibly politically aware three (almost four) year old.  This was evidenced by his comment on the election coverage this morning:

"Mama I want Barack Obama to win!  Then we can go to the government, and say 'Good Job Obama!'"

Me too, Luca, Me too. 

Luca Saves the Day

On Sunday, Kyra and Luca were going to go shopping. Luca was playing outside while waiting for Kyra to get ready. I stepped outside to talk to Luca, and Kyra followed after, locking the door behind her without realizing it. Unfortunately, she didn't have any keys and neither did I. We locked ourselves out of our new house.

Fortunately, we left the windows open since it was a beautiful morning. I immediately realized what we had to do: I was going to pop out the screen and climb in through the window to reach the door and unlock it. On second thought, I proposed we send Luca in through the window since he was smaller.

Luca was a little scared of going in through the window by himself. I calmly told him that he needed to help us and go through the window to unlock the door. I told him that he would save the day. Once he was calm, I lifted him up, set him on the window sill, and helped him down inside.

Luca ran over to the door, struggled with the lock momentarily, and unlocked the door. We rushed over and gave him a big hug, telling him what a wonderful job he did saving the day!

Written, in part, by Luca (he typed his names).

Explaining Pluto's Status to a Three-Year-Old

I received a solar system kit from Nana for Christmas.



Now Pluto did come with the kit, but I didn't add him. Why? Because he's not a planet anymore, based on the new definition by the International Astronomical Union (IAU).

Luca asked the same question, and I had to think for a minute how I could explain this to him. There are a few main components of what makes up a planet (simplified):

1. Orbit: All planets orbit a star.
2. Shape: Each planet is nearly round.
3. Neighborhood: Each planet has cleared its orbital neighborhood of other stuff.

The last criteria excludes Pluto from planethood, since there's still a lot of junk in its orbital path.

So I told Luca, "Pluto isn't a planet because he didn't clean up his room."

By the way, here are some new, spectacular images of Earth:

The New Blue Marble West
The New Blue Marble East

Morning Advice

Almost every morning, I take a moment to give Luca a hug and say, "Have fun, be gentle, and listen." It seems, on those days I miss this moment, like Luca has a rough day. On those days, I realize the impact that small things like a repeated bit of advice to a child can have on an entire day. And the hug makes a difference too. But this advice is really good for anyone, and I strive to live up to it too. So today, make some time to slow down, have a bit of fun, listen to someone carefully, and be gentle in all you do.

What it Means to be a Father

Lately, there have been a number of situations regarding the fathers in my life; which, for the sake of my family and our relationships, I cannot divulge here; that have prompted me to think critically about what it means to be a father: What are the qualities of a good father? How does a good father act? How does a good father spend his time? How does a good father treat others, especially his wife? Essentially, how does a good father not just play the part part, but BE a role model?

To me, a good father spends time with his children. He reads to them, plays with them outside, takes an interest in what they do even when he's not interested in the activity. He is firm and expects obedience and good behavior, but is also caring, kind, loving, and playful. A good father does not raise his voice, but he does not often relent on his decisions. Once children are old enough to understand, have opinions, and make sound arguments about decisions, then a good father at least listens to his children and considers their desires. However, in the end the father makes and sticks with a decision, all the while expressing love and respect.

Even though I know many answers to these questions, at times I do not or am not able to fully comply with them. It is that struggle, however, that makes me a good father: I know what the ideal is, even though it is perhaps impossible at all times and there are certainly few role models, and I strive to meet it.

One consistent and powerful presence that helps me to attain that goal is my wife: She gently reminds me of what it means to be a good parent; she reminds me that I have good qualities; she supports me when I'm down. I believe firmly that if she were not here, I would not be as good a father as I am, and for that, I am eternally grateful, and I honor her role in my life. Thank you, Kyra.

Post-Holiday Contemplations

Whew! What a tumultuous two weeks! Amidst the chaos of last-minute-shopping, hosting parties, attending parties, driving all over, gift-giving, and gift-receiving, I think we had some peaceful moments of sharing love, gratitude, and kindness.

But what a way to go about seeking peace! Every Christmas season, I keep thinking we could do more with less. We could have fewer gifts, fewer parties, less commotion and chaos. Jokingly, I thought I should do my Christmas shopping in July - there would be fewer people shopping, less hassle dealing with shipping, less driving all over to get this or that. It takes a lot of planning and thought, though, and it's hard to find the time until the season is upon us.

For these reasons, I enjoy Thanksgiving so much more. It is simpler. There are no gifts, no silly rituals other than eating and giving thanks, no chaos in the streets and stores. It can have a genuine, heartfelt focus on family, shared time, and thanksgiving. I want Christmas to be a repeat of Thanksgiving. Then perhaps New Year's Eve will seem more like a fling than another blunt party before we've even recovered from the noise and haste.

So next year I will again organize a family party at our house, but I think I will request that people only bring one or two gifts. Then, rather than focus on gifts, we can focus on each other, sharing food, time, and warmth, without the materialism and its associated stress. Our finite, precious time together should be spent with one another, with life - that which is most sacred.

A Lonely Day

Today is a gloomy day. I'm sitting here, alone, in this all-too quiet room.

It all started Tuesday. Kyra called and said Luca had pink eye, and she was going to take him to urgent care. The doc prescribed eye drops, but he had to stay home for a day. Since there was no one to fill in for Kyra this week, I had to stay home, which was just as well since my throat had started to hurt the day before and was now in full I-hate-you swing. Then Wednesday night, Luca started a fever, and I was miserable with a sinus infection.

Hello at-least-biannual sinus infection! You're a spiteful demon!

Not surprisingly, Luca's eyes cleared up rather quickly. We didn't think he had the bacterial pink eye, just a virus, which perhaps was just the sinus infection. He had a cough and lots of phlegm, which I too developed. Thursday was miserable. I think I had a mild fever, with aches and pains all over.

Luca was really fine through most of it. It was hard to keep up with him. Wednesday we went outside, twice, to Kyra's chagrin, and he was quite energetic. Thursday I didn't have the energy. In fact, I tried to convince Luca to go back to sleep in the morning. Yeah right. Nonetheless, we did have a good time watching Ponyo and Totoro and playing with blocks and reading.

Friday, Kyra managed to get off from work so I could fulfill my employment duty for one last day for the week. We had planned to go to the Twin Cities, but with my status and the fact that our family "up nort' 'der'" just recovered from something miserable last weekend, I decided to stay at least one night to recover. Kyra and Luca left Friday shortly after lunch.

I came home and ate the wonderful falafels Kyra made (she left a huge mound of them on the kitchen counter for me, along with ginger tea bags, Cream of Wheat, the book A Wizard of Earthsea, and a love note), and watched, of all things, Perfect Blue, which has been sitting on my hard drive taking up enormous amounts of space for some time. Weird movie. Still digesting it.

This morning I called Kyra and as it turns out, not only does biology hate us, meteorology hates us too (yes, the study of something CAN hate you - don't argue with a sick man!): it's snowing buckets in Minnesota and raining ice-snow in Wisconsin. Lovely. I AIN'T DRIVIN' INIT! Especially when I'm this cranky. 8-[

So I'm pretty much stuck here all weekend. Which might sound nice and all, but a) I feel quite out-of-it still and 2) I miss my family. Oh and it's difficult to sleep with no one here. There's no one to listen for (except the elephant-people neighbors) and there's no one to snuggle with or talk with or anything really. Who would wake me up by jumping on me and saying, "IT'S NOT A CHOICE!" or "Blanky please!"?

Kyra and Luca should be back on Monday, after a nice, warm Thanksgiving-type meal with family on Sunday.

: (

She said she'd bring leftovers.

In the meantime, the most beneficial thing I can think of to do in this state with no one here is: ... PAPERWORK! ... BORING! I would say, "I can't wait for Monday," but I have to go to work! Well, at least I can say I'm looking forward to Monday evening. In the meantime, I have a new book and some chores...

Normal is Overrated

There have been times when I find myself involved in a discussion which completely confounds me. Then again I have a tendency to assume that those around me hold the same general beliefs that I do. This particular conversation began with some gentle teasing over politics and the recent elections. One of my coworkers, a very sweet lady, professed to being a strong republican supporter. Just to be clear, I am a strong democrat, always have been, always will be, but I am readily able to separate political from personal. However I jokingly mentioned a conversation Chris and I had long before Luca was born, in which we both concluded it would be easier to handle Luca being gay than republican. I was then somewhat confused to hear my other coworkers go on to explain how "sad" they would be if their children were gay.

I wasn't quite sure how to interpret the "sad" remark. What exactly would there be to be sad about? At least for one of my coworkers, I believe her concern was the difficulties a gay child would face growing up: the teasing, ostracizing etc. Every parent wants their child to have a happy childhood, and the recent spate of gay teen suicides has highlighted how difficult life can be growing up gay. I can understand a parent not wanting their child to ever feel that different and alone.

But I think this sentiment is misguided. It leads to parents urging their children to be "normal" so that they will be readily accepted by society at large. What happens, then, when a child does not conform to the parent's or community's idea of "normal"? Many times the child begins to fear, hate, and hide their differences because, as they have been told by mom and dad, they won't be accepted if they aren't what everyone else is. And this leads to exactly the feelings the well meaning parent hoped to avoid.

I hope to teach Luca exactly what my mother taught me, that "normal is just a setting on the dryer". I think if Luca walked through the door one day and announced he was gay I would greet the statement with much the same sentiment as if he announced he wanted to dye his hair green. "OK, that's nice dear, just don't leave a mess in the bathroom".

Of course, Chris and have always had our own ideas of who we want Luca to be. We imagine him growing into a concert pianist, a dancer, or an astrophysicist. But those are the things we value. I am amazed and elated each day as Luca begins to show me the things he values: his tool bench and his toy kitchen, his dolls and his trucks, swimming lessons and reading books. As much as I have dreams for him, I want to share his dreams, no matter what they are.

More than anything, I want him to know that he will always, always, be loved and accepted my his parents. There may be times when he feels different than everyone else, but that's OK. Because, to me, there will only ever be one Luca.

(PS. I found this interesting post about a mother who allowed her son to dress as Daphne for Halloween. He was then ridiculed, not by his classmates, but by their mothers. Worth a read.)

One of Those Days

There are days when parenting is a wonderful, heart warming experience. Like those family trips to the water park: watching your son experiment with a rube Goldbergian water machine, learning through trial and error how to route the water through the desired holes. Or watching with humor as he vainly attempts to line all the empty tubes up against the wall, before a big wave comes and washes them all out into the wave pool again. ("Stop Wave!") Or hearing him shout "Oh NO! No. Thank. You. Boat." as you collide with empty tubes on the lazy river. Those are the days when parenting is a joy, and you can't imagine your life any other way.

Then there are days like today.

These are the days when you just want to pull your hair out. When, after you ask your son to pick up a toy, he shouts "NO!" and then lays down on top of the toy you just asked him to pick up. Or when you tell him to go potty and he refuses, defiantly plopping himself down on the bathroom floor with his pants around his ankles. Or when he headbutts a kid during group time, then won't even sit down for the time out you consequently impose. These are the days that make you doubt the efficacy of you parenting style, and wonder what kind of Jekyll and Hyde monster you've spawned.

I try to tell myself every kid goes through these rough patches. Every parent has those days where they have to half-carry, half-drag their child in to school. And as a preschool teacher I know its true. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I keep thinking, "Why can't my child be more like I was?" Because I was never stubborn. I always listened. I was never disobedient, and just generally the most perfect child ever. (OK mom, you can stop laughing now. And yes I do remember the huge tantrum over the mashed potatoes. Will I ever live that one down?)

So every kid, and every parent, occasionally has one of those days. I'll just take a deep breath, think some happy thoughts, and remember all those wonderful, heartwarming moments that make parenting worth it.

That, and hope tomorrow will not be another one of those days.