Violet Evergarden

Luca and I have been having a "guys night", where just him and I spend time together. Usually we play Minecraft, watch a show, play a board / card game, go out for a treat, or something like that.

For a few weeks, we've been watching Violet Evergarden, an anime about a young woman who has difficulty with emotions, both expressing and identifying. While not explicitly autistic, she does have autistic attributes, like the difficulty with emotions. So I think her struggles resonant with Luca, and it provided a good opportunity to talk about these issues while providing experience of another person with the same difficulties.

The show also provided him an opportunity to see me get emotional - many of the episodes are tear-jerkers for various reasons. At times, I noticed him looking at me to see what I was expressing. Usually young children do this to understand and model emotions, and Luca is just doing this now.

One of those moments was in the special episode ("episode 14"), where Violet is asked to write a love letter for an opera. The lyrics are very touching and remind me of people I've lost, to death and other circumstances, including our foster child. I think I might print out some of the lyrics and post it on our memorial wall. I couldn't find them online, so I thought I'd post them here. (If you haven't seen the show, I highly recommend it.)

Letter from Marietta to Modesto

Just listening quietly,
To the wind in the sky,
Together.
[But] you're no longer here with me.

But the words I've written,
Over and over,
Have flown as if they were feathers
And disappeared.

Love is always
In a sunshine-filled place
Even if I can't see you,
Can't touch you,
It's like you're by my side.

[woodwind solo]

Just softly speaking,
[The] trees in the forest
[In] the rain,
As if to cheer me up.

Walking upon
The yet damp
Ground,
A road to be.

Love is always
Like looking through clear water.
Go to accept it,
And it leaves,
Just like you.

[instrumental]

Love is always
In a sunshine-filled place.
Even if I can't see you,
Can't touch you,
It's like you're by my side.

We remember those who have left us, and cherish their memories. They are a part of us, and made us who we are.

The Harder Battle

For my 28th birthday I got a tattoo. On the inside of my arm is a quote from Plato: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." It is these words that I am trying to find solace in as I embark on a new phase in my life.

In February I will be quiting my job. The decision to do so was one of the hardest I have ever made. I am working at the best center I have ever worked at. My coworkers are amazing, dedicated, supportive educators. My kids make me laugh and smile daily. Leaving isn't about them, or my job. Its about me, and it makes it just that much harder.

The reality is that I am struggling, and have been for a long time. I had post-partum depression with Luca, not surprising since I already have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I figured I would with Astrid. What I wasn't expecting was the severity of it, the loneliness, the pain. Many of my days were spent feeling like I was drowning, struggling to breath. Now I pride myself on not letting my personal life interfere with my work, and I worked hard to maintain a facade of normalcy. In fact, one of my co-workers remarked one day as I picked up Astrid, "Astrid, your mommy's never in a bad mood". So apparently it worked. But it only made my depression worse, more isolating. I had no one I could talk to, and keeping up appearances was both physically and mentally exhausting.

On my days at home I felt like a walking ghost. I was paralyzed. I hardly talked, I wasn't interested in anything, overwhelmed by everything. And there was fear, and guilt. Everything was wrong, everything was my fault. Luca was acting up, it had to be because of me. Astrid wouldn't eat or sleep, it was because I was doing something wrong. Chris was upset, it was something I had done. Hopeless and Endless and Painful. A constant, dull, nagging pain I just couldn't shake.

Finally, after my mom had left with Luca to spend winter break together, I broke down to Chris. I couldn't keep doing this. It had to end. It was me or the depression, the two couldn't exist together anymore. I wanted the pain to stop.

But I didn't see an easy way out. I was struggling, I knew that. Life, with ten hour work days, two kids, and all the daily hassles that life throws in, was too much for me (although just admitting that to myself was the first battle). But there wasn't anything to do about it. Except give up something. And, unwilling to give up on family or life, work was the only thing left.

I can't help but feel like something of a failure. The darker part of my brain keeps saying, "But look, everyone else has it together. You see parents every day who can handle work, kids, and family etc. Why can't you?" But the choice I find myself faced with is that I can either continue to "power through", tell myself I can do it, that someday it will get better, or I can admit that this is where I am at and do my best to get better. I don't know what better looks like right now, or how to get there, but I can't keep going on the way I have. I have to try something else, for Chris, for Luca and Astrid, for me.

I'm scared as hell. I've never done anything like this. To quit, walk away from something isn't who I am. Stubborn as I am, I don't just give up. But I hope that, in the end, giving up isn't what I'm doing. I hope its recovering.

Thanksgiving from Carla

On Thanksgiving, Carla wrote an entry that I want to remember, so I'm re-posting it here:

Today is Thanksgiving. Usually I love to post all the things I am thankful for and talk about them, but this year I'm not feeling completely thankful. I'm struggling with depression, which I hope is just situational because of the trouble with my mom and my friend.

But I am thankful. I have some of the most amazing people in the world supporting me through all this. I have a wonderful job (that I need to blog about), and I have my miraculous health. I'm not completely healthy, but I'm much better than I was, and that is wonderful.

I have a nephew who fills my heart with joy no matter how sad I am. I have my bonus siblings - Chris, Kyra, Sarah, and Chase, and I have my unwavering rocks, my brother, Darin, and my dad.

I can't express how thankful I am for these people. They give me faith in the world and faith in myself. And maybe that's what I'm most thankful for - my ability to have faith in myself even when I'm being attacked. My faith in myself definitely wavers, and I'm so thankful to have wonderful friends, family and a great therapist who build me back up when I fall over.

And I'm sort of tipped over today, but I have people who love me surrounding me and reminding me why I love myself.

And I have Luca-Bug. Who wouldn't be thankful for this?



Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are all as lucky as I am. I hope you are in good health and surrounded by people who love you for you.

We are very thankful for you, too, Carla, and all our close family and friends. We are especially thankful for people who help us raise Luca: Carla, Grandma Teresa, Nana, his teachers Jill and Natalie, Grandpa Bill and Ibu, Emily, and Iryna. Thank you so much!

Normal is Overrated

There have been times when I find myself involved in a discussion which completely confounds me. Then again I have a tendency to assume that those around me hold the same general beliefs that I do. This particular conversation began with some gentle teasing over politics and the recent elections. One of my coworkers, a very sweet lady, professed to being a strong republican supporter. Just to be clear, I am a strong democrat, always have been, always will be, but I am readily able to separate political from personal. However I jokingly mentioned a conversation Chris and I had long before Luca was born, in which we both concluded it would be easier to handle Luca being gay than republican. I was then somewhat confused to hear my other coworkers go on to explain how "sad" they would be if their children were gay.

I wasn't quite sure how to interpret the "sad" remark. What exactly would there be to be sad about? At least for one of my coworkers, I believe her concern was the difficulties a gay child would face growing up: the teasing, ostracizing etc. Every parent wants their child to have a happy childhood, and the recent spate of gay teen suicides has highlighted how difficult life can be growing up gay. I can understand a parent not wanting their child to ever feel that different and alone.

But I think this sentiment is misguided. It leads to parents urging their children to be "normal" so that they will be readily accepted by society at large. What happens, then, when a child does not conform to the parent's or community's idea of "normal"? Many times the child begins to fear, hate, and hide their differences because, as they have been told by mom and dad, they won't be accepted if they aren't what everyone else is. And this leads to exactly the feelings the well meaning parent hoped to avoid.

I hope to teach Luca exactly what my mother taught me, that "normal is just a setting on the dryer". I think if Luca walked through the door one day and announced he was gay I would greet the statement with much the same sentiment as if he announced he wanted to dye his hair green. "OK, that's nice dear, just don't leave a mess in the bathroom".

Of course, Chris and have always had our own ideas of who we want Luca to be. We imagine him growing into a concert pianist, a dancer, or an astrophysicist. But those are the things we value. I am amazed and elated each day as Luca begins to show me the things he values: his tool bench and his toy kitchen, his dolls and his trucks, swimming lessons and reading books. As much as I have dreams for him, I want to share his dreams, no matter what they are.

More than anything, I want him to know that he will always, always, be loved and accepted my his parents. There may be times when he feels different than everyone else, but that's OK. Because, to me, there will only ever be one Luca.

(PS. I found this interesting post about a mother who allowed her son to dress as Daphne for Halloween. He was then ridiculed, not by his classmates, but by their mothers. Worth a read.)

My Family Loves Me!

Kyra had an idea for a book for Luca. Her niece, Lilianna, has a photo album with pictures of her family members, including those she does not see often. Since she looks through the album often, she remembers Kyra, Luca, and me by name. Kyra thought it would be great if we could make an album like that for Luca. I suggested looking online for a store that sells custom board books, and Kyra found My Custom Story. Here is the book we assembled and received just yesterday:

My Family Loves Me!


Mama and Baba Love Me


Grandma and Grandpa Love Me


Nana Loves Me


Grandpa Bill Loves Me


Autie Sabrina Loves Me


Auntie Megan Loves Me


Auntie Carla Loves Me


Uncle Kenny Loves Me


Lilianna and Dalila Love Me


I am Loved


Goodnight

The book turned out great! It's sturdy and the pictures are bright. Luca loves it!

Sleep-Talking

Sometimes when someone else is looking for something and they ask me about it, I'll say, jokingly, "I ate it." Sometimes when I'm looking for something, I ask someone else, jokingly, "Where is it?" then, "Did you eat it?" (using a tone to convey blame).

Last night I must have been dreaming about work. As I was sleeping, I woke up Kyra and asked, "Where is the data?" then, "Did you eat it?" She told me to roll over and go to sleep.

Later, early in the morning when we both woke up, she told me about it, and we laughed. I call this phenomenon sleep-talking, and I do it a lot when I haven't had enough sleep. Apparently it's called somniloquy (som-NIL-o-kwee) in science. I've done this for years, and it happened more often in college when I wasn't getting enough sleep on a regular basis. I suppose it will start to happen more and more after the baby arrives, so get ready for some humorous somniloquy jokes!

A Framework for Love

Preface: I have thought about this topic for most of my life. I intended to write this entry and finish it before the wedding, but it is such a complex topic and difficult to describe in words that it has taken me a couple of months to arrive at this point. Here I have attempted to describe my views on love, although I am sure that my views will change with time.

My views on love are not like the typical views of love. Unlike most people, I do not believe love is quantifiable. To me, love is an emotion, and like many emotions, cannot be measured except by its expression in action. Thus, saying "I love you very much," while expressing a common feeling, is illogical. (So to are the statements "I love you more than yesterday" and "I love you more than he does." Those who say such things are either relying on cliches to express an ineffable facet of love or are not aware of or do not experience all of the aspects of love.) A person may engage in more acts of love for one person than another, but that does not mean the magnitude of the love expressed is greater than any other love.

Love may differ by its expression (e.g., infatuation) or quality (e.g., passionate) or type (e.g., familial), which is to say that love is multi-faceted. Familial love is expressed with affection and unrestrained loyalty. Romantic love is expressed with passion and excess outpouring of emotion. Friendly love is expressed with interest and temperance.

In psychology, a similar notion is stated in Sternberg's theory of love, which claims that there are three major components of love: intimacy, commitment, and passion. With these three aspects, various combinations can occur. Most marriages, the theory claims, begin with passion, intimacy, and commitment, and usually transition into a more "friendly" love, losing passion as time passes. Love with only intimacy and passion is like a high-school romance or a brief tryst. These dynamics change over time, and one form of love can turn out to be another later on.

This theory, however, focuses on only certain types of love and does not provide a complete picture. For example, what about love for animals? Or love for music? Or love for nature? Or love for abstract conceptions, such as liberty or freedom? For these types of love, the theory is unable to adequately provide a framework for understanding.

An additional aspect for love for or between humans is our society. Love is defined and restrained or liberated by social relationships. Expressions of love for a family member are limited by our societal norms for behavior toward family. We would not engage in the same type of expressions of love for family as we would for a lover. Similarly, we typically do not engage in the same type of expressions of love for a friend as we would a lover, either. These limitations may feel natural, but they are in fact altered by societal expectations.

At its core, however, all love is the same. This is key to my understanding of love, especially unconditional love and "true" love (in my definition, love for all things). When I first told Kyra that I love her, I told her my view on love and expressed it to her in terms of friendship. Eventually, our love developed into a different type of love, mediated by social changes. Now our love is passionate, intimate, and committed (and we will work hard to keep and enhance all three!). I love her now the same way I loved her then, even though my expressions of love have changed.

We share a broader love as well: a love for our child, our family and friends, our community. As Robin Abrahams noted, love is not just romantic love, and the broader meaning of love should be celebrated as well. It is a goal. The survival of our species depends on accepting our differences and learning to coexist. Love is the means to this end.

Parenting Class and Pregnancy Data Collection

Kyra and I started attending a parenting class at Meriter Hospital last night. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed learning more about the birthing experience. We watched a video of a birth, and I was surprised to see that, once the head is through, the baby comes out rather quickly. And to think that if we didn't have such large brains, giving birth would be so much easier and faster! It is remarkable that the birthing process and brain capacity evolved together. So if you like being able to think, thank your mother for giving you space to develop the capacity to do so!

In a related entry, the journal author "Female Science Professor" recalled how, during her pregnancy, she developed gestational diabetes and decided to closely monitor her blood sugar and related data. She extensively graphed her data, and her doctors were amazed by data management abilities and what I would say was her unique approach to coping with her diabetes.

I thought this was very interesting as I had considered graphing some of the data from Kyra's pregnancy. I had thought of graphing her weight, but I didn't want her to feel even more self-concious about it. Measuring her abdomen would also be interesting, espeically in correlation to her weight. Other data we could graph could include her blood pressure, her pulse rate, or various occurrences (fetal movement and/or position, illness, sleep difficulty, etc.). If I did start collecting data, I would like to post some of it online here.

Any other ideas for data we could collect? What esle could we do with this data?

A bit of pseudoscience to end the entry: A new report came out last week about how mother's brain activity changes depending on the mood of the child. Like other reports about the brain activity and behavior connection, this report makes claims that it really cannot support. Just because there is brain activity in a certain area does not mean it is related to this or that activity, behavior, emotion, being a mother, or babies. There is something interesting going on, but we really aren't 100% certain what these indications of activity mean, much less what the connection is to behavior or anything else. This type of science is very interpretive or subjective, so it's hard to say what all this means. Nonetheless, the connection is there and it is interesting, but we have to be careful in interpreting meaning.

Compliment and Parenting Styles

A week before Saturday, we were at a UWMBDA dance. We were dancing waltz, and afterward, a fellow dancer complimented our dancing, specifically our posture. Ironically, Kyra is pregnant, and she was in her 26th week and was showing quite significantly. Dancing with a pregnant partner creates a number of issues, including safety and, of course, posture. Nonetheless, apparently we looked great dancing the waltz, as other dancers noticed. He even thought we had been taking lessons! No sir, not with the wedding just a month before and the pregnancy in full swing! Perhaps we looked good because waltz is our favorite dance. Or perhaps it is because the extra space required for the baby forced us to have better posture and therefore a better "frame" (dance posture). It would be poor advice, though, to tell dancers that getting pregnant is great for your dance frame!

(Thanks to Eugene for the compliment!)

In other news, Miss Conduct wrote about an interesting complaint she received regarding children playing on airport baggage carousels. Apparently parents are permitting their children to play on and/or around the carousels, which creates a dangerous situation for the children and passengers attempting to claim their bags. In one case, a child was hit on the head with baggage because she was too close to the carousel, and the mother blamed the passenger! I blame the parent for permissive (or neglectful, as she was talking on her cell phone six feet away) parenting.

We intend to be authoritative parents (brief overview), especially in regard to setting rules and sticking to them (although with open dialogue about what the rules mean), instead of being permissive, as these parents appear to be--allowing their children to run around as they please with few rules and little enforcement of those rules. Parents like this, in my experience, tend to side with their child, even though other, responsible, trustworthy adults (e.g., teachers) provide alternative experiences. I have a couple of teacher friends who have had the ridiculous experience of having to fight parents about the child's misbehavior because the parent trusts the child more than the teacher--often a misplaced trust with mischievous children.

One last item in today's news. I saw a short video that I think is just great. It's about how a psychologist's life changes after he hears he has six months to live. As noted by others, it's full of cliches, but still a good story.

Our Time is Up
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vso9iPIpeu8

On Fatherhood

Sunday was Father's Day. Here are some of my thoughts while reflecting on what it means to be a father:

• Acceptance: Accepting children for who they are at the stage in life they are in. An excellent example in recent news showed how a mother and father accepted their daughter's sexual orientation (see article).
  
• Unconditional Love: Similar to Acceptance, Unconditional Love means that no matter what children do, love them. If they flush your favorite watch down the toilet, love them. If they crash your car, love them. If they turn out to be a political nut job, love them. Of course, that doesn't mean go easy on them...
  
• Setting Rules and Sticking to Them: If a child breaks a rule, stick to it. Deliver the punishment quickly and at an appropriate level from the start, explain what they did wrong, show them what they can do instead, and above all be compassionate and recognize that you probably did this stuff too (see this page for more guidance).
  
• Virtuous Pride and Other Rewards: Parents should also reward children for good behavior. The best types of rewards are those that are intangible, like being proud of your child and telling them so. Of course, to be virtuous pride, a parent should still maintain humility and realistic expectations.
  
• Understanding Limits and Boundaries: Pride can often lead to unrealistic expectations of children and a distorted view of who they are and what they are capable of. Maintaining realistic expectations and being flexible are also important aspects of parenting. And children have and need privacy, too.
  
• Consistency in Parenting: As noted above, sticking to punishments and rewards is best, and both parents need to follow through appropriately. That means communicating with the spouse before a behavior has occurred and agreeing on a punishment or reward.
  
• Sharing Time and Other Things: Spending time with children is one of the best parts about parenting and probably the most important factor influencing children's future. Parental behavior sets a model for children's behavior. They learn morality, ethics, courtesy and manners, language, and so many other behaviors and skills while spending time with their parents. Sharing personal beliefs helps them come to terms with the world and understand their own beliefs.
  

Some of these attributes are no different for being a mother, or for being a spouse, or for being in any type of relationship. And these are just some of my thoughts. I'll be sure to jot down more as I think of more or shape those I have now. (Others' views are appreciated - please leave comments!)

For some reason, I'm reminded of a quote I saw on my sixth grade teacher's truck: "Some of the Best Things in Life Aren't Things." (Thanks Mr. Cary!)

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Some good things to know about punishment and reinforcement:

• Punishment is not always spanking. Punishment is either "positive" or "negative," and these terms relate to whether something is "given" or "removed." Positive punishment is doing something to the one being punished, like spanking. Negative punishment is removing something positive from the one being punished, like grounding or time-outs (taking away privileges). One effective punishment is to say, "I'm disappointed with your behavior." In my experience, this punishment is very strong and should only be used in extreme circumstances.
• Reinforcement is not always giving a prize. Positive reinforcement gives something to the one being rewarded, like candy or a gift. Negative reinforcement removes something aversive from the one being rewarded, like rewarding a child by removing chores (e.g., "if you do this, you don't have to do dishes tonight"). Some of the most effective reinforcers are intangible, like pride.
• One of the most common misunderstandings about reinforcement and punishment is that negative reinforcement is synonymous with punishment. It is not. Negative reinforcement is removing an undesirable stimulus to increase the occurrence of a behavior.

Remembering

I once had a psychology professor at UW-Whitewater, Dr. Paula Poorman (who was unfortunately killed in a car accident by a drug addict) who told students, on the first day of class in Abnormal Psychology, to "go out and do something abnormal." "You have fifteen minutes."

I went out, found a classroom, built up courage for about 10 minutes, burst into the classroom, and said, "Welcome to Whitewater! Have a great semester!" The professor muttered, "can I help you?" before I said anything. After I addressed the audience, I promptly turned around and left. The professor was dumbfounded, and the class laughed. One guy said, "You too!"

Another person ran around with his shirt off, in his hand, waving it around and yelling. Someone else stood in front of doors to a building and, when asked why, said, "no reason." A few people followed strangers around. One stranger stopped and asked, "would you like to walk with me?" Another stranger was completely freaked out. I think another person randomly shouted at random strangers as he walked through the center of campus. Fun!

Assignment: In honor of Dr. Poorman, do something that may be considered abnormal. Be safe and respectful. Do it again or figure out something else. Have fun! Push your limits, but safely and respectfully. You have the rest of your life to complete this project.

Weekend Announcements

Over the weekend we announced to our engagement to our families. Kyra's grandma had a birthday party on Saturday, so we announced it to her family there. She also announced her new job and the pregnancy. Her family was ecstatic and very welcoming. On Sunday, we went to have dinner with my family in Blanchardville. My family was happy, too, but with my mom being ill I think it hampered the good news a little. We told them about the engagement and the new job, but not the pregnancy. I don't want to stress my parents out any more than they are with my mom's illness going on at the same time, so I'm waiting until the end of the first trimester to tell them (April). Perhaps I'll try to pass it off as an April Fool's joke. Hee hee... :D

Overall the weekend was a bit stressful, although more of a happy stress, or eustress, if you will. We were excited to tell everyone and happy to receive congratulations, but we were also wondering how people were going to react, so the anticipation was a bit stressful. And just coming up with what to say and when was a bit stressful, too. We still haven't told our dance friends (except our dear friend Carla). Then I have to tell my family that Kyra is pregnant yet, too...

Adding to the stress, we found out there was a conflict in my family with May 25th. Unbeknownst to me, two of my cousins are having graduation parties on the 25th. Kyra had sent in the contract for Olbrich yesterday (Monday), sending us in to a bit of a panic as to what to do. Fortunately, the Olbrich staff allowed us to switch dates. At first we considered the week before, but that was out of the question with the UW-Madison graduation the same weekend. The 24th was open, so although there was another conflict, it was a much smaller one, and more of my family should be able to make it.

I really wish my extended family had told us about the party earlier, then we wouldn't have made plans for that day at all. It's Kyra's birthday, so we thought it would be neat to have it on that day. The day is also pretty much in the middle of her pregnancy, too. I keep trying to get my family to communicate with each other more, using tools like email or web journals, to communicate quickly and openly with one another. They just don't seem to want to do it. For me in Madison, that makes it hard to hear about what's going on.

The date is set for May 24th at Olbrich Botanical Gardens, probably at 9:30 am, and we have six people in the wedding: Me, Kyra, my brother Kenny (Best Man), my cousin Ben (Groomsman), Kyra's friend Megan (Maid of Honor), and Kyra's sister Sabrina (Bridesmaid). Kyra and I will be working on invitations tonight, and I hope we can send them out later this week or next week. There are a lot of plans in the process already, and I hope we haven't forgotten anything (like hotel rooms for traveling family... oops!). We picked out music for the processional and recessional: a movement from a Handel "Water Works" symphonies, and a piece by Kriesler imitating the style of Vivaldi. We also decided to stick with Kyra's family tradition and wear leis from Hawai'i.

Stay tuned for more details!