One Month Later

Luca is one month old and growing like crazy. He's sleeping better (most of the time), not that necessarily means I'm sleeping better. He really likes being held and cuddling while he sleeps, so usually I can get him to sleep, but if he's not completely out, he wakes up the minute I put him down in the bassinet. Then I go to pick him up and he conks out 2 seconds later. Then I try putting him down again... you get the idea. It's kinda a semi-annoying, semi-funny game at 2 am: ok, I'm asleep... no wait, I'm really awake... but now I'm really asleep... just joking, I'm awake!

Luca now has two new toys: an overhead gym from the director of the preschool I used to work at, which has really annoying music and flashing lights, and a bouncer from one of Chris's great aunts. When he is in the right mood he seems to enjoy both of these for short periods of time, although he doesn't quite have the muscle control yet to hit the toys that make the music play and I don't think he gets the whole cause and effect thing. Chris thinks once he makes the connection he's going to go around hitting things and expecting them to play music.

Luca and I went to post-natal yoga this week, which was wonderful. Chris and I don't have many friends with children, and it made me feel so normal to sit in a room full of women with babies. And to find out that other mothers deal with babies who cry when breast feeding, are fussy at night, and sleep for only an hour and a half at a time (even at six months!). It was also lovely to move my body again. (P.S. Yoga is way easier without a belly!) Chris and I also made it to a UWMBDA dance last week, thanks to Carla parents, who graciously offered to babysit. (P.P.S. Dancing is way, way easier without a belly, although my balance and core strength has gone all to hell.)

My biggest challenge is getting things done, other than nursing, eating, and sleeping. These three activities seem to take up the majority of my time, leaving me barely any time to file paperwork, do laundry, vacuum, do dishes, or any of the other chores I really would like to get done. And I'll be honest, that bugs me. I called my mother to commiserate, and usually she is a great confidant, able to reassure me about just about anything. (Yes, the belly will go down, you will fit back into your old clothes someday, etc.)

So expecting her usual reassurance I asked if I would ever again have time to "get things done". But this time she told me the exact opposite of what I expected to hear. Very bluntly she said no, "you will never, ever again, be able to organize your life with the perfection you want." This came as a hard blow to me, the perfectionist. But she did give me the advice she was given by a women who is probably the best teacher in the history of MMSD: "Your children will remember that you held them, read to them, loved them. They will not remember if the dishes were done and the socks were mated." (I remember that our socks were mated as a child, but only because I was forced into sock mating slave labor.)

So this week I have been doing my best to put aside my need to be "productive" and concentrated on the most important thing in my life: my son. I may not get things done with any speed anymore. I'm coming to terms with that. But when I can let go of everything else, curl up on the couch, and rock my son to sleep, that's when I'm happy.


Unknown said...

I was a huge fan of the reclining rocker when Linnea was in the "i'll only sleep when held" phase (which has now changed into "i refuse to sleep when held"). I often called Eric on my cell phone to come put the feet up for me so I could sleep without her being moved... so glad that is over! But enjoy it while it lasts. We miss her sleeping in our arms now. Linnea is considering walking now, and her first two teeth have come in! Yipes!

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