My nephew, Luca, makes my world a little sunnier. The Sunday before Mothers' Day we went to breakfast, the zoo, and lunch. I love his parents to death - they are amazing people, but adults just can't help with my anxiety. But this little kiddo can. All he has to do is say, "More please," "'s Broken," or "I DID IT!" and my heart melts and the panic goes away.We're so happy our little boy can bring her a little sunshine.
Tonight I had the privilege of babysitting him. At 18 months this kiddo can put his books away, and knows how to put away the bath toys. And don't get me started on the potty talk. He tells you when he has to poop (and sometimes, I think he just thinks it's a fun word to say. Can you blame him? POOP!), and pees on the potty when the timing is right. Tonight, he peed on the potty for me!!! I was so happy to empty that little potty with the pee in it, and swish it out with toilet water before putting it back! I never thought someone else's bodily functions could make me so happy!
But before we went potty, we called my mom and dad. And he said, "Hi Bruce and Hi Alice" - except he's a toddler, so it's way more cute than that. And, I accidentally taught him "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. I had it in my head after a conversation with his mother, so I was singing it. And now, when I sing it he points to his face. And you can ask him where his poker face is and he'll point to his face and say, "Poker Face." My dad was asking him all sorts of questions and he answered, "yeah..." to each one. Just like that, with the ellipse after it, like he had more to say but couldn't find the words because he was stoned out of his mind. (Not that he WAS stoned... but the way that stoners say things, that's the way he said it.)
I gave him his bath and we went through his bedtime routine - with no-fuss. Auntie Carla even knows how to dry Baby Luca's hair with the towel without making him cry. Because I'm the shit. And then, because I promised we tried calling my brother again; he didn't answer the first time we tried. He answered this time, and I just had to show off the Lady Gaga impersonation. Because only the cool babies know "Poker Face."
And then it was time for bed. We read "Goodnight Moon," and then I rocked him. I cried a little because I didn't want to put him to bed because either he distracts me enough that the panic can't get through, or he's a magical baby with super powers of protection against panic. I think it's the 2nd one. And I realized this kiddo is my sunshine. Right now, from my dark, dark place, he is a reason - if not the ONLY reason - I keep fighting. There are other reasons, I suppose, but it's rare if I remember them. I needed to let my kiddo know how special he is, so I sang him a song that goes like this:
"You are my Sunshine,
My only Sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are gray.
You'll never know Dear,
How much I Love You.
Please don't take
My Sunshine Away."
I love you Luca-Bean. I know it will be years before you ever understand, but thanks for being My Sunshine in this dark, dark time.
by Chris on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 - Permalink
Our friend Carla is having a hard time with her anxiety right now. She wrote the following post on her blog last night: